Flipping the Script
“You do not have to make your children into wonderful people, you only have to remind them that they are wonderful people.”
-The Parent's Tao Te Ching: Ancient Advice for Modern Parents - William Martin
Whether I’m working with leaders and teams in the professional world or individuals wanting to improve relationships, I often talk about “flipping the script” on challenging situations because of its ability to unlock opportunities in new perspectives. The other day on a flight I had an experience that reminded me how true this is for little humans and big humans alike.
As the plane sped down the runway for takeoff I looked over and noticed a family with four kids. Ahead of me, a nursing-age-little sat on a woman’s lap, and across the aisle a man sat next to one and behind two more. About an hour into the flight I started to notice the signs of tension escalating as the two older boys in front fought and complained. They were getting bored. The parents exchanged irritated glances. The father started speaking in sharp whispers and the boys reacted with indignation. There was about an hour left in the flight and I could see them circling the drain with each interaction. I imagined how I might feel in their situation. Maybe some embarrassment or frustration with the wiggliness of the kids, or fear about how bad it might get before landing. I imagined them wondering “why won’t you just stop doing that?!”
During a few minutes of calm, I looked at the father who was just across the aisle from me and asked “Are all four of these yours?” he nodded, and I followed up with a smile “You have some fantastic kids there. This has been a long flight and they’re still mostly keeping it together. Y’all got this.” His face softened and we chatted for a few minutes about the vacation they were headed to. That was it. Without any deep discussion, the energy had shifted one or two degrees*. He started to engage the kids a little more softly and the irritation was no longer in his tone. The kids’ energy shifted too, and the escalation stopped. Then we landed, deboarded, and said goodbye.
So much can change in the span of a thought, especially with a small flip of the script like “won’t vs. can’t.” A situation like this could be looked at a few different ways. Reading below, notice how each of these sentences lands in your mind:
These kids are refusing to behave and need stronger discipline to make them quiet down (won’t)
These kids are having trouble self-regulating and need support to help them navigate this experience (can’t)
The first and second differ in how they see the kids. One sees them as obstacles in the way of a desired state (e.g. peace and quiet). The other sees them as valuable human beings who deserve love and support. It’s subtle but powerful, and it works for adults too.
A manager’s reminders can be seen as “incessant nagging because they don’t trust me” or as “unchecked anxiety that may need a communication plan.” With the first mindset I can only be resentful. With the second I have power to create impact.
The next time you’re feeling frustrated at a person or group, try asking yourself the won’t-vs-can’t question and see what comes up. How can you show up in that moment with your badass-inner-leader? What positive impact will you create?
*Fun fact about tiny course changes: for every one degree a plane veers off its course, it misses its target destination by one mile for every 60 miles flown. One degree doesn’t sound so small now, right?
Further reading:
The Anatomy of Peace by The Arbinger Institute
No Drama Discipline by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
The Parent's Tao Te Ching: Ancient Advice for Modern Parents by William Martin
