Conscious Parenting is Just Easier

If you’ve spent any time with me in a personal or professional setting, you know that two of my greatest passions are parenting and coaching. It occurred to me the other day while my 3.5 old daughter was completely losing it over something seemingly small (washing hands) that these worlds are more connected than not. 

Six minutes later the storm had passed, and now I want to share some humble insights from the experience so you can ride that next storm out with ease. 

What do I mean by ease? In this case it meant no yelling (by me), threats, punishments, promises of rewards or begging, etc. Hands got washed, the world kept spinning, and I didn’t flip my lid. In the middle of it she came over and wanted to be held so we did that for a minute. Then I asked if she’d like me to go with her to the bathroom to wash. She was still pretty bummed until we actually got soap on our hands and then BOOM she just flipped like a switch to laughing.  

Here’s the thing: little kids are going to tantrum sometimes; it’s their job as their little brains are developing. It’s harder to get mad when I think of her as a “person who is struggling to practice self-management” vs. “an insolent child who won’t do what she’s told.”

My saboteur/imposter syndrome tried to squish this post, saying, “cool, you’re good at parenting exactly one child who is naturally really well-behaved, have a medal.” Then I remembered that I’m also a professional coach who works on social-emotional learning with engineers, leaders, and other professionals. Adults are not just big kids, but they do have many of the same basic needs, one of which is connection. 

As humans, we are hard-wired for connection. The same part of our brain that gets triggered for fight/flight/freeze when we sense danger switches to “connection mode” when safety is present. Shockingly we learn better and find more creative solutions when we’re in connection. I work with this concept literally daily in my job as a coach and agilist.

Here are some mindsets and practices I’ve gotten great traction with in no particular order. I’m not an expert in parenting neurodivergent or neurotypical kids and of course your results may vary. Take what you want and leave the rest. Lastly, if any of this seems great in theory but impossible to practice, I would love to work with you.

• My child is naturally creative, resourceful, and whole (she can do hard things)

• Teaching her to handle her big emotions while modeling self-management myself. Each time I can demonstrate not flipping my lid when she is flipping hers it strengthens her trust that I can be with her big emotions.   

• I can ALWAYS get at least one of us to take three slow, deep breaths, and often she will join me or at least try. Every try is a win. Breathing with your child helps them co-regulate their nervous system and it’s the most effective way to teach regulation

• Setting and holding a limit and then staying present while she works out the strong emotions. This means resisting the temptation to distract myself with my phone and being fully present, which means I may have to be uncomfortable too in the moment

• Instead of signaling that “you have to fix your problem first before I’ll engage with or support you,” I want to signal “your world is upside down now because of what seems like an impossible situation, I’m not mad at you for struggling with this. I’ll be here to guide you through it, and you still have you wash your nasty-ass hands” 😛 

• Using five primary senses and questions a lot. “Let’s get the soap on our hands and feel how slippery it is. Do you hear the water rushing down the drain? What does it sound like?”

• Not rushing to console or coddle, just being there to support.

• Compliance is a short-term goal but our ultimate long-term goal is to raise a confident, competent child. The approach needs to honor both of those and the carrot-and-stick method kind of sucks for the latter.

• Parents of all types can do emotion coaching (DADS you can have feelings too).

• Connecting with a child in a tantrum isn’t weak as long as you hold the line on the limit (connect with the person, not the problem

• Always Be Connecting. The lesson I want to teach can wait until she's out of the woods and in a receptive state. My first goal is to get back to that state.

• Everything can be done without spanking. It doesn't work in the long run anyway.

Thanks for reading and if you found it useful, below you can find many of the concepts I mentioned.

Further reading:

The Whole Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson

No Drama Discipline by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson

Co-Active Coaching by Karen Kimsey-House and Henry Kimsey-House